Stuck? Then You’re Looking in the Wrong Place.
Notes from my talk on 22 October 2026 in Berlin
At some point every session feels the same. The routines are set, the moves too, but the spark is missing. The obvious reaction: harder, longer, more often, a new toy. That works for a while, then you are back at the same point, just at a higher level.
In my coaching practice I see this pattern all the time. The reason is almost always the same: people adjust the practice and leave what really matters untouched. To make this visible, I work with a model I call B.D.S.M.
The B.D.S.M. Model: Bedürfnisse, Dynamiken, Schranken, Menschlichkeit
B for Bedürfnisse (needs). Behind every practice there is a need, and that need is rarely the practice itself. People who enjoy impact play are often looking for release, presence or surrender. The pain is simply the path that gets them there.
D for Dynamiken (dynamics). Play is interaction between people. In it we slip into roles that are often modelled on archetypes. Archetypes inspire. Adopted one to one, they turn into stereotypes and become boring over time.
S for Schranken (barriers). Everything that holds us back from living out what is in us: missing knowledge, missing skills, missing role models, shame, the feeling of “I’m not allowed to do that”, or safety concerns.
M for Menschlichkeit (humanity). What is hard to put into words: the effect one person has on another. Burdens and distortions are part of it, and so is genuine intimacy.
To go deeper into these four areas, I look more closely at two or three aspects of each. Each section ends with five guiding questions to help you reflect on yourself and move forward.
B – Needs
The practice is the path, the need is the goal
Take impact play. It is a form of play that causes pain. Pain, in turn, is a way for many people to let go: the mind switches off, worries and everyday problems fade into the background, and you are fully in the here and now. Some experience this as almost meditative, as falling and dissolving. Others express surrender through it.
There is some early research on this. In a small pilot study, 14 experienced BDSM practitioners were randomly assigned to the bottom or the top role. The bottoms showed an altered state of consciousness associated with reduced pain perception, a sense of floating, calm, presence in the moment and a distorted sense of time. The tops tended to experience a flow state: focused attention and a loss of self-consciousness. Play was also associated with less stress and fewer negative feelings. All of this matches what we see in practice.
One practice, many needs, and vice versa
Needs I encounter again and again in coaching:
Being seen and needed
Experiencing intimacy and trust
Being allowed to be vulnerable
Feeling emotions intensely
Having or giving up control
Being in the here and now
Feeling empowered in a situation
and much more.
A single practice often serves several of these. In bondage, one person looks for support, another for aesthetics, a third for the feeling of being seen. Conversely, many paths lead to the same need. Someone who wants to be needed can find that in service, in a protocol or in taking responsibility for their partner. Someone who wants to be seen can find it on stage, at a photo shoot or in praise at the right moment.
Guiding questions for self-reflection
Which practice would I miss most, and what exactly would I be missing?
When do I feel fulfilled after a session, and when does something remain open?
Which of my needs falls short in everyday life and finds its way out in play?
With which practice do I increase the intensity instead of asking why?
Which practice I have never considered could fulfil the same need?
D – Dynamics
Roles and archetypes
When two people play together, a dynamic emerges: who leads, who surrenders, who sets the pace and intensity? To do this we slip into roles, and these roles are often modelled on archetypes: the strict mistress, the serving slave, the playful pet, the caring daddy.
Archetype or stereotype?
An archetype is a field of inspiration. Newcomers find plenty of ideas in it for how a role can feel and be shaped. But if the archetype is adopted one to one, without your own interpretation, it becomes a stereotype. That is why people who have been playing for a long time and stay in the same archetype often get bored.
Nobody is just one archetype. There is a little of every archetype in every person, including the ones you think you have nothing to do with. Most people can find something in most areas if they look closely.
Good and poor search fields
These are exactly the archetypes that make the most exciting search fields: the ones you think don’t suit you at all, or that you even reject. In my experience, there is often something there that attracts you but that you haven’t admitted to yourself yet, or a problem that hasn’t been uncovered. This doesn’t apply to every rejection; some things are simply a real limit. That is what the next section is about.
Poor search fields, on the other hand, are the lukewarm ones: areas you accept and find okay, but that give you no particular satisfaction and don’t meet any of your needs.
Guiding questions for self-reflection
Which role do I take on almost automatically, and since when?
What about this role have I shaped myself, and what have I simply adopted?
Which archetype seems to have nothing to do with me, and what of it might be in me after all?
Who usually takes the initiative between us, and was that agreed or did it just develop that way?
What would my partner say about our dynamic that I might not have wanted to hear yet?
S – Barriers
Knowledge, skills, role models
Some barriers are very practical. If you don’t know how to do a suspension safely, you won’t dare to try. If you lack impact skills, you stay cautious. If you have no role models, it is hard to find your way: for example, a man who feels submissive but sees no men anywhere who live that confidently. Barriers like these are the easiest to break down, with knowledge, practice and the right people.
Shame and “I’m not allowed to”
A distinction is worth making here. In kink there is shame as play: humiliation, exposure, the deliberate thrill of embarrassment. That is not what is meant here. What is meant is the shame that genuinely stops us from living out what we want: the wish that has gone unspoken for years, or the inner voice that says “that’s not done”. Once this shame is overcome, the area often becomes one of the most exciting fields of play of all.
Safety concerns
Safety concerns are healthy as long as they are concrete. They become brakes when they stay vague: “That’s somehow dangerous.” Knowledge can turn a vague risk into a concrete one, and a concrete risk can be managed. Where barriers stem from stressful or traumatic experiences, working on them belongs in professional support.
Guiding questions for self-reflection
What would I try if nobody would ever find out?
What knowledge or skill am I missing to make a wish come true?
Whose voice do I hear when I think: “I’m not allowed to do that”?
Which of my limits have I not re-examined in years?
Where do I use safety as a justification when it is really insecurity behind it?
M – Humanity
The effect people have on each other
Something happens between people that is hard to describe. The same practice feels flat with one person and deep with another. Technique barely explains it. It is trust, chemistry, attention.
Burdens and distorted perception
People carry burdens, and these shape how they interpret situations. Someone who has often been rejected reads a brief hesitation from their partner as lack of interest. Someone under pressure hears criticism where a question was meant. Distortions like these are human, and they affect play and relationships more than any technique.
Genuine intimacy
People can also create genuine intimacy. Then, with one particular person, something becomes possible that you never enjoyed with anyone else, and it reaches a whole new level.
Example from practice: A client thought bondage was “not his thing”. With a new partner, he suddenly experienced it as one of his most intense experiences. The technique was hardly different. The difference lay in the trust, and in the fact that for the first time he felt truly seen. Which brings us back to B: being seen.
Guiding questions for self-reflection
How do I feel in play with a particular person, and why is that?
Which experiences shape how I interpret my partner’s behaviour?
When did I last misread a situation, and what helped me realise it?
What suddenly felt good with a particular person that I had rejected before?
How do I treat myself when something goes wrong in play?
Takeaways
Reflect on yourself. Be honest with yourself and your partners. Accept mistakes and imperfection. Stay curious. And enjoy not fitting the mainstream and going your own way.
Start small: pick one practice today and ask yourself what it actually gives you.
Want to look at this more closely for yourself?
In a free initial consultation (20 minutes, online), we look together at where you stand right now.
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